I’ve got a pretty deep post coming at you today, are you ready?
Sometimes I like to get really honest. I like to almost make myself feel better by venting on my blog. This is one of those days where I won’t probably be as positive and happy as I may seem most days, but I felt the need to write this post.
I don’t want to come across as down or negative, because in all honesty I normally try to keep a very positive outlook. I find that sometimes when I finally write out how I feel it tends to allow me to let go of it.
There is something that has been eating away at me lately. I try to keep it under control but many times it gets the best of me. The best word to describe the feeling is inadequacy.
My world right now is all over the place. I blog, I work part time, and I help support my husband during these last few months of his medical school career. I don’t feel like I have much a purpose because instead of having a full time job and being the bread winner I am just doing the best I can to get us through.
As the wife of a future (very soon!) Dr. it is hard to see your worth when your husband is working so hard towards a very well respected career. I often look at him and even though I know I would NEVER want to go to medical school and I see how hard it has been on him I am envious that he has a pretty determined future and a well respected one at that. Please don’t get me wrong here, I am so proud of him.
I often feel very down when I realize that I don’t really have anything right now to hang my hat on. Of course, supporting someone and doing what you can to bring in money is important but I still hold onto a lot of guilt with losing my job. I know it wouldn’t change things that much but I know having our income basically stripped away mid-year last year was another added stressor.
I feel inadequate. I feel like I don’t fit in this world that I once did and I am constantly looking and finding problems that don’t really exist. I always want to be able to do more, even when there is no other choice.
I want to be as important to my husband as he is to me (and even though in his eyes I probably am) I feel like I’ve let him down. I want to show him just how determined I am to make this life for us the best it can be, but in a lot of ways I often feel like I have failed.
Again, I am not trying to bring you a super down post this morning, I simply want to get things out. I am not trying to complain as I know I am blessed in so many ways.
A few of my many blessings:
-The fact that I am running again
-My fur children
-A roof over my head
-Food on the table each night
I really could go on. I am blessed in so many ways, so much so that I often over look things. Things could be so much worse than they are, but I still seem to struggle with that nagging feeling of inadequacy many times a week.
Am I less of a person unemployed? No.
Am I less of a person because I am not in medical school? No.
Am I less of a person because I lost my job? No.
I keep putting one foot in front of the other day in and day out and that sometimes is all that we can do. I keep my head up, I keep supporting my husband, and I trust that one day things will work out.
We are in that limbo phase of medical school which is hard. The moment we know where we will be moving to later this year I can be looking for a job. I can’t wait for this moment because I feel like at that point I am finally looking for a career NOT just a job that will get us by.
My job over the next few months is to be the best wife I can possibly be. To support my husband as he goes through one of the most high stress times for medical students and hoping that I can be as amazing of a support and encouragement system as he was for me during some of my darkest moments over the past year.
That’s what marriage is about isn’t it?
Thanks for listening I really do feel like sometimes if I sit down and write it out that it allows me to let it go.
Do you ever deal with thoughts of inadequacy?
What do you use to combat them?